NOTE: As of July 23, 2001, this page is not really under construction but we'll pretend that it is - - (A.K.A. - I don't have the slightest idea what the hell I'm doing and/or I'm making excuses for my page being a total suck-job) In fact, you could almost say my page is "over construction". That would be stupid and nonsensical, but you could still say it... Come 01/01/2000 the world will be enjoying the lovely Judgement Day (not to be confused with the Sylvester Stallone movie "Judge Dread"... [shudder]) and will be too preoccupied to notice if my web page is [insert favorite preposition here] construction or not. Update: The world is still here after 01/01/2000. Oh, well. You can't have everything...

Hey you guys!! Don't make fun of me...

This page was formerly called the Tickity-Tom Page O' Stupidity. Due to the increasing commonness of the "(noun) O' (noun)" web page format, I felt I had to completely remodel my entire page. It is now called the

TICKITY-TOM PAGE OF STUPIDITY


Tom's mug
Above is a picture of me doing a jig with an Alien Santa. I look much cooler in real life. Seriously.
This is my first attempt at creating a web page so it is pretty sad affair.
I am a fifth year Software Engineering student (nay, graduate) at RIT. (Rochester Institute of Technology)
Sure, RIT is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Oh, wait. I do. Damn.
I would honestly have to say that I am the coolest person here.
If you were to ask others, they would probably disagree.
Please don't ask others. Thank you.

Welcome to my page. Over billion served since Jan. 15 1997

I think the web counter is broken. It never records the thousands of hits this site receives every day. It usually only records one hit every two or three months. You just can't count on technology these days, I guess. Actually, I don't know how it got as many hits as it has. Probably because I keep going to my own home page over and over to build it up. If you stop and think about it, it's kind of sad and pathetic. I try not to think about it. Neither should you. Please?

TECHNICAL STUFF.

Although this web page was originally developed to provide a little levity into the monotonous day-to-day lifestyles we all live, I also enjoy things relating to the technical fields. (dork!) Ok truthfully, I gave my web page out to recruiters when I was looking for jobs so I would direct them to my technical page so they wouldn't think I was a complete jackass. So if you're one of the people looking to hire me, please pay no attention to the rest of this site. It is not mine. Someone else wrote it. Someone really stupid. I have no affiliation with them. Honest.
A few years ago, I came in contact with an unidentified being. I did the logical thing. I captured him, domesticated him, and dressed him in a little Santa outfit. He is known only as ALIEN SANTA!!
this is Michael This is me playing basketball. No, not really. It is my uncle, though. Man, can he play!

Inchoherent Writings

In my spare time ( the 14 hours of the day that I am not sleeping ) I sometimes get the urge to write some poetry. [ For fun, I don't pronounce the word 'poetry' with three syllables. Instead I pronounce it like 'poultry' but without the 'l' sound. Try it! Ask your friends to try it!! ]

Throughout my years in this world, I have gained much insight and wisdom. I wish to pass this on to others in the form of essays.

  1. Of College -- How to be the BMOC - the Bowel Movement On Campus (AKA: the Shit)
  2. Of Love -- How to tell if you're in love - and what the hell to do about it.
  3. Of Family and Friends -- Your family and friends are always there for you - whether you want them to be or not.
  4. Of Slacking Off -- Slacking off is Armerica's favorite pasttime.
  5. Have A Good Day Ok, this isn't really an essay - it is a short story that I wrote when I tried to be Mr. Creative Writer. Although Stephen King has personally praised me for the story several times, I don't expect anyone else to. UPDATE: Note that this actually an attempt at a serious dramatic, suspenseful writing. It is not supposed to be funny at all . I mention this only because my friend recently read this out of boredom and kept waiting for the humour to kick in, and ... it never did. (I'm sorry, Kinger!). So just know going in: this is not funny. I apologize.


One-Eaters are the Devil!
See this delicious burger here? Can you imagine eating this burger in its entirety without eating anything else in between? Yes, as hard as it is to believe, some people concentrate on only one food-item at a time and eat solely that. View my explanation of this phenomenon and see why One-Eating is not The Way.
One-Eaters

Read and laugh at some of my Moments of Stupdity

Did you ever suddenly remember something that you had completely forgotten about, but that had once been an incredibly important part of your life? See some of my Things That Were Once Very Important But Later Forgotten About


Tom M presents...
       Pollin'

I will keep some polls of critical, important topics. I will then throw those out and present you with these polls instead.

Local News

Throughout the years I've been fortunate enough to be the subject of several local newspaper community stories. I've collected a few of them here.


Finger and Pen Drumming

Check out my page on this extremely fascinating topic. This is the definitive guide to finger and pen drumming on the Internet. Learn about the secretive and amazing Finger/Pen Combination style. Be sure to check back often for updates in the fascinating field of finger and pen drumming.

Would you like to see a picture of my ASS? I think you would.

Who is this crazy character? What is he all about?

Come look-see a little bit about my favorite music and hobbies Oh come on, dude, just pretend you're interested.

To learn about my family click here.
If you don't want to learn about my family, then something's wrong with you. Maybe you should see a shrink. You think your family is better than mine, don't you? Come on, admit it. You bastard.

Through my vast experience of worldly traveling, I've come across some fine dining establishments that are unique and special, and I'm the only one who has ever eaten at them. (That's what I tell myself, 'cause it makes me feel like I am somebody.) Direct your peepers to this list of my favorite good-ass eats!


Hey, kids! It's the Pittsburgh Steelers Home Page! Yes, home of the best football team around. ... Until they sucked and lost all their good players... Ok, so it's home of a pretty good football team. Ok, so they suck! So they have had 3 consecutive losing seasons. Big deal. Haven't you ever lost? Huh? Haven't you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Jeez, cut the guys some slack. So they lost a few games. They suck. Big deal, get over it! I mean, they blow, so what? Freakin losin bastards!


I feel the Top 10 list has been way overdone. I wanted something fresh and original. Thus I present to you...

The Top 9 Best Things About RIT:

  1. The name is only three initials. There's no way you could possibly mispell RTI!!
  2. The warm weather. You can wear shorts all year round! ( Without underwear!!! )
  3. The lack of sleep ( 4.2 hours per night ) lets you easily look like the rest of the RIT freaks.
  4. All the fun stuff you can do. Like watch TV. And sleep.
  5. Jolt Cola - the official beverage of RIT. ( Note: Jolt Cola is just flavored water, but caffeine freaks can't seem to tell the difference)
  6. The myriads of women. Everywhere. Just thousands of 'em. In fact, I have a date in a half an hour. Uh-oh, looks like she could use a little more air.
  7. The food! Yesterday's meatloaf is today's chocolate cake.
  8. The bricks. You gotta love bricks. Bricks. So many bricks. Get them out of my head. Make them stop! The bricks. They're everywhere! Although, some of my best friends are bricks. Maybe they're not so bad after all.
  9. You learn to make web pages almost as cool as mine. ( Did you catch the slightest whiff of sarcasm? )

Things that actually don't suck on the web.

Oh, on this whole big ol' thing that we call The Web, there are a few things that are actually funny. My website is not one of them. However, I have collected a few things that I find quite hilarious, for your perusal. Look at some non-sucking things.
Hasselhoff What would a home page be without a picture of a half-naked David Hasselhoff??
NOTE: I am looking for a David Hasselhoff inflatable doll complete with synthetic chest hair. If anyone has any information on this, please contact me.

Update 09/07/2002. I am proud to have been given the honorable title of "David Hasselhoff webmaster", as this email that was sent to me states.

If you wanna know what class I'm sleeping through right now, take a gander at la schedule de class. (and by "right now" I mean "five years ago".)


Signs That I'm Famous

#134 Internet Research - Holly Lendt
This is a research paper discussing the various types of research sites available on the internet. My site is listed as an example of a Personal Website that "[has] access power to creating bogus sites and confusing the surfer". My favorite quote: "This site just didn't make a good impression on me and would receive a very low rating."

Sweet! However, of particular interest here is how special attention is paid to the Alien Santa portion of the site. Alien Santa is quickly dismissed and the author remarks that not enough information is available. Well... this is highly confidential subject matter; it's not like the entire profile of Alien Santa's personal habits are going to be freely enumerated (Likes: Xorb2 units, charred Yerxkon flesh, quiet moonlit walks along the beach; Pet Peeves: Alien Easter Bunny, people who do those annoying air quotations with their fingers). Oh, naive, little author. One day, you shall be enlightened by the powerful Alien Santa, and the enigma will be no more. I await the day.

Update: 08/28/02. Okay, looks like Ms. Lendt took the paper off-line, even off of the google cache. It's a shame when such excellent journalism is not given the chance to reach the masses. I salute you, Ms. Lendt, wherever you are.

Here's some links to the home pages of my "friends". Note the quotes around the word "friends".

Late Breaking News!!
Aug 2000: I flew out for a weekend of sin and debauchery to Las Vegas. Here's some of my keen blackjack tips.

Jun 2000: I plunked down the cashito to get me one of them newfangled digital camera gizmos. By all means, check out my stunning photography work.

Mar-Aug 2000: I most recently lived it up in Sacramento CA for six months where I interned at Intel.

Here I had a hand in my first publicly-available software product. Granted, it wasn't Intel's finest hour... But, their misfortunes led to my fame and glory. < Warning: link that no one cares about > Check out the Dos version of the MTH ID tool here.

I implore you, please don't refer to California as "Cali". You're obviously not cool enough to pull that one off. No one is. And while we're at it, when referring to an email address, please don't say "addy". That is way too hip and trendy and it's not even cool. Sure, for the "Cali" substitution, you're dropping two (or three-if you're cool like me and add an extra 'eee' before the last a when you say it) syllables so I'll give you some points for that. But addy gives you nothing. Nothing, you hear me? Nothing!

May-Nov 1999: Last summer I "kicked it live" down in D.C. Check me and my roommates. Could we be more cool? Aside: I think it would be better if the past tense of the verb kick was kack as in I "kack it live." Join me in proliferating this new, much-needed past tense form.

Mar 1997: Yes, it has been confirmed. I am now officially the sixth and final member of the Spice Girls.

Feb 1997: I have also recently adopted the Pillsbury Doughboy as my legal guardian.

Jan 1997: I have been legally certified to wed the youngest member of the hit pop trio, Hanson, Zac Hanson, sometime in December 2000.

How you doin?


E-mail: Tom Please send mail. I'll pay you. Even hate mail. Chain letters. For the love of God man, are you that cruel? You can't take a good hour or two out of your "precious time" to write me a small biography of you and your family? How do you sleep at night??

Look see just how a smarty intellecstul guy i am!! :
Resume
Or see where I work as a software engineering co-op: Reliable Software Technologies located in beautiful Sterling, VA, minutes away from Washington, DC and home of our good pal, Bill Jeff Clinton. (okay, this is actually where I worked over five years ago, but I never updated this section. In fact, it would make more sense to update that information, than to leave it there, erroneously, and write this small diatribe. Yes, that would make more sense, wouldn't it.)


WA DA FA???     My current moment of zen.


This page last updated 03/24/1974.