One-Eaters

Let's get one thing straight. I don't like One-Eaters. Don't understand 'em. Don't like 'em. The One-Eater. The type of individual who can go through a meal eating one meal-item at a time. You got your steak and potatoes? They eat the entire steak, followed by the potatoes, or they first eat the potatoes in their entirety followed by the steak. What is that about?

Origin

I first noticed this phenomenon when frequenting various fast-food establishments with various friends and colleagues. I've eaten about half of my Whopper and half of my fries, and someone would have eaten their entire burger and not touched their fries. What? That can't be!! You've still got all of your fries, but your burger is gone!? I don't understand. How can you eat the fries, knowing that there is no more burger to offset the monotony of the fry? Surely your palate needs something to keep it from nodding off in boredom. It needs the constant, back-and-forth of ever-changing food tastes and textures. It needs the hard gristle of a meat product, closely followed by the soft, semi-explosive nature of corn kernels. This is a must! It was at this time when I realized the great injustice being performed by these One-Eaters, sometimes as often as three times a day! I then began my crusade to rid the world of this menace, and to help spread the word to those otherwise unfamiliar with these one-eating devils.

Validation of The One-Eaters are the Scourge of the Earth Theory

Burger-Holds
During several trips to fine dining establishments (such as Carl's Jr.), my colleague Nick Cianfrocco noticed that during the course of a meal, my cheeseburger would become warped and dillapitated, with the burger often sliding out of the bun, and the bun often becoming thin and disgustingly wet from my various holdings of the bun. It was noted that this was caused by the constant placing down and picking up of the burger throughout the meal. Now in my defense, this was done to faciliate my Multi-Eater habits; I had to place the burger down in order to pick up my fries. I hold the burger with two hands, and eat my fries with my right hand, so the burger needs placing down in order to pick up the fries. It was then that Mr. Cianfrocco imparted a practical tidbit of knowledge that was apparently known to many Multi-Eaters other than myself. The Constant Burger-Hold. The burger can be eaten with both hands, but when switching over to the fry or other side item (soups included), the burger remains in the left hand, while other eating makes use of the free (or right, in my case) hand. The burger does not suffer from the constant squeezing and releasing that my previous technique employed. There is constant light pressure on the burger throughout the meal, and the burger remains pristine. (Please see the Ketchup-Cup Exception to the Burger Hold below for an exception to this rule.) Now, whether you buy into the merits of the Burger Hold is irrelevant (it has taken me many hours of practice to switch to the Constant Burger-Hold, and I still occasionally slip up); the mere existence of a Burger-Hold, practiced by millions of people suggests, if not proves, that Multi-Eating is the way to go. Burger-Hold methodologies would not have to have been developed if One-Eating was the way to go. Following the true code of the One-Eater, the burger would be held once only and eaten entirely; hence the notion of a special hold being devised to prevent the constant rehandling of the burger makes no sense. So by the existence of Burger-Holds, One-Eaters are thusly proven to be the Devil.
Mashed Potates Mixed With Corn
I owe this one to mi madre, Nance. This completely shatters the very moral existence of One-Eaters. You've got your mashed potatoes, right? You've got your side of corn, right? You mix your corn in with your mashed potatoes, and enjoy one of the greatest joinings of vegetables ever conceived. I swear, however strange it may seem, it makes for a most delicious multi-vegetabled treat. (Still dubious? Check this Google search engine query of "mashed potatoes mixed +with corn".) This delicious multi-food concoction must make One-Eaters absolutely nauseous!

Conclusion

One-Eaters are the Devil.

Note: It has been brought to my attention that in some Japanese customs, it is considered inconsiderate to eat one food-item in its entirety before the others. This claim would seem to substantiate that One-Eaters are the spawns of Satan, but I have done no research into the validity of this claim. I do not need to. No matter what the Japanese believe, One-Eaters are the Devil. Period.

Ketchup-Cup Exception to the Burger Hold

The Burger-Hold is a wonderful thing. It keeps the burger pristine, while at the same time freeing up one hand for all neccessary multi-eating. However, I have found one exception to this rule. At fine establishments where the ketchup is obtained and stored in the little ketchup cups that are filled from a ketchup-containment pump (versus ketchup from packets, or ketchup directly pumped onto a flat surface), another course of action is desired. I likes my ketchup. In fact, I loves it. (Yes, I incorrectly pronouned those verbs. Deal.) I enjoy the little ketchup-cup, I really do. I hate the ketchup packets, they are just too messy and too time-consuming. Now with the little paper cups of ketchup, I like to have all of my ketchup pumped and accessible before I begin my meal. This usually neccessitates six or seven over-filled ketchup cups. (I am not exaggerating here.) Now being as the cups are light and not directly fixed to the table (like the ketchup from the packets having been directly applied to your tray or burger wrapper would be) and are prone to moving around as you place your fries into the ketchup. Also, it is also often desirable to "really get in there" with your fries, when the level of ketchup goes below halfway. Thus, because of these reasons, it is often necessary to hold the ketchup cup with one hand while shoving the fries into the ketchup with the other. This is not possible while still performing the Constant Burger-Hold. This is a contradiction. Being as the application of ketchup is essential to my eating the fries, and my eating the fries at the same time as the burger is essential to following the Multi-Eating Code, I must forgo all Burger-Holds in favor of holding the ketchup-cups with my oft-hand. Thus the pristine nature of the burger must suffer. This is truly a tragedy, but such a sacrifice must be made at these select establishments that offer the ketchup-cups. (Note: If the ketchup-cup option is offered, it must be used. You cannot use the packets instead, or pump the ketchup directly onto a plate or burger wrapper, thus circumventing the ketchup-cups altogether. This is in direct violation of the Ketchup-Cup Override Rule.)