Area Man Only One Oblivious to The Fact That He Can't Play Basketball

RALEIGH, NC— Area resident Tom Mutbos seems to be the only one completely oblivious to his complete lack of talent for the game of basketball. Mutbos, who recently moved to the area, plays basketball almost every day after work at one of several local parks and high school courts. Though he practices daily and has played the game since he was in middle school, his skills remain poor and barely distinguishable from those of someone just learning the basics of the sport.

 Above: The oblivious Mutbos
Above: The oblivious Mutbos

Other area basketball enthusiasts have no trouble noticing Mutbos's total lack of skills. "Oh, he sucks!" said Leesville Elementary School 4th grader Adam Smith. "I beat him in H-O-R-S-E like 5 times last week. We had to switch to spelling out the Latin word for horse, 'horseus borseus' [sic], because he would be defeated so quickly. The last game I beat him H-O-R-S-E-U-S-B-O-R-S-E-U-S to H-O." Added Smith: "And I only got H-O because I wasn't really playing that hard."

Remarked 13 year-old Umstead Park court regular Karen Hills, "We all groan whenever he shows up and asks to get in a game. Why, just the last game he went up for one of his many failed layup attempts, and I jumped up and swatted the ball back in his face. I mean, right into his face, you know. And you know what he says? This dickhead says: 'Wow! Nice defense!' What the hell is that? Of course it was nice defense, I fucking slammed the ball down your throat! What the hell?"

Above: Mutbos misses another poor layup attempt
Above: Mutbos misses another poor layup attempt.

Other avid park attendees have similar stories to tell. "He can't even play. I don't know why he tries," says George Hennelein, Umstead Park Recreation Coordinator. "It's like his amount of suck is inversely proportional to the amount of time he spends playing the game. But sure enough, he's out there every day, determinedly shooting 100 foul shots, and maybe making 15 of them if he's lucky. I usually just turn around and walk right back into [Supervising Coordinator] Rick [Hoachal]'s office, instead of watching the kids like we're supposed to. He's that bad. Everybody knows it."

Everybody, it seems, except for Mutbos himself. "It's a great game," Mutbos says. "It's a real hoot. I try to play everyday, if I can. I've been playing pretty consistently for about 13 years now, and you can really tell. A lot of these guys just come out here once a week or on the weekends or something, and they think that they're going to be able to compete at the same level just like that! It takes determination and practice. Lots of practice. When I see people come out and try to play like that, without putting in the effort, I just shake my head. But even though not everyone out here is a high-calibre player, it's still fun just to play around and have a good time."

Added Mutbos, "I love this game!" Mutbos then went on to miss his next three layups, five foul shots, and a three-point field goal that fell six feet short of the goal.