Of Love by Tom M
Okay, so you're in love. Now what the hell are you supposed to do? Well for starters, there's
your appearance. Let's face it - maybe you don't look like one of the Addams Family, but you're
not exactly a supermodel, either. You've got to get some style going on. That includes, difficult
though it may be, personal hygiene. While to you, it might be nice that the color of your teeth
match your yellow Cheerios shirt, others might not appreciate this. Now don't think you can start
brushing your teeth now, and have them looking pearly white by the next time you meet up with
the love of your life. It ain't happening. You're gonna go through thirteen toothbrushes before
you even begin to see some white on those bad boys. Instead, you have to go a different
direction. Two words: white out. That's right, that miracle substance that you slather over your
term papers to cover mistakes is also great for brightening your teeth right up. You'll be smilin'
pretty in no time. Also, there's the matter of bathing. Despite popular belief, you actually have to
come in contact with the water in order to get clean. And you have to use soap. Don't try to take
a shortcut and think that the water itself will get you clean. If that were the case, people would
throw all their dirty laundry in their swimming pools instead of their washing machines. And try
to remember to wash your hair. ( Unless you're bald. But if that's the case, you're going to need a
lot more than clean teeth and a clean body to get that special someone's attention. ) A good hair-washing tip to remember is: if you run your hands through your hair, and more hair comes out in
your hands than you have left on your head, it's a safe bet that your hair still needs some more
cleaning. And for God's sakes, ladies and gentlemen, use some deodorant. A little known secret:
this involves actually taking the cap off the deodorant before applying it. Some people find pit-stains very attractive, but the majority do not.
Clothes. Clothes make the man ( or woman ) [or canine, for that matter. Once, I put this little
sweater outfit on my dog, and he looked so cute... never mind ]. Forget your favorite Mettallica
shirt from six years ago with the big-ass rip in it. It's not what you're looking for. Also, sweat
pants on a date are a bad idea. If you wear sweat pants on a date, you might as well splash the
champagne in your lap, slap yourself across the face, and go home, to save your dates the trouble
of having to do it themselves. Instead, wear something that looks half-decent and doesn't have
any week-old mustard stains on it. Also, keep in mind that while you don't want to dress like a
slob, you also must be careful not to overdress. For example, don't wear a tuxedo if you're taking
your date to McDonald's. ( And if you're taking your date to McDonald's, don't look forward to
another date. ) And try not to wear the same outfit for two dates in a row. Sure, it's economical,
but it's considered "unsanitary".
Once you've got the superficialities out of the way, you can concentrate on the next most
important aspect of the date: location. Location can make or break a date. Just ask the few
unfortunate guys who thought it was a good idea to take their dates to WWF Wrestlemania for
the first date. Not a good idea. Instead, try taking them to WCW, where they're more apt to
enjoy the heroic antics of Hulk Hogan. A good, safe date always comes back to the classic -
dinner and a movie. Gentlemen should usually let the ladies decide which movie to see, as most
women just can't seem to appreciate the redeeming qualities of intellectually stimulating and
thought-provoking movies such as Beach Bikini Bimbo Massacre III. The before-movie dinner
should be held at a nice, dine-in restaurant. Avoid the strong urge to go to such seemingly high-class locales like Burger King or Long John Silver's. A better idea is to go to a respectful
establishment such as Denny's. When the location is chosen, it is time to concentrate on eating at
the restaurant. It's not a pleasant time when you see your date chewing like a cow and spitting
half-eaten food onto your plate. Do not order something that you know more of the food will get
on your clothes than in your mouth. If you're like me, that pretty much rules out everything. The
only truly safe bet is to order a glass of water. And if you're really cautious, maybe a salad. But
no salad dressing. If you can get through the meal without your shirt looking too much like your
napkin, then it is considered a successful dinner.
When you're around someone who you think you love, it must be some unwritten law that you're
going to make an ass out of yourself. You can't avoid it; your only choice is to make as little an
ass out of yourself as possible. For example, your calm, collected date might ask, "Can you to
pass me the salt?" at dinner. You reply with something idiotic like, "Your eyes...blue...like
ocean...at sunset." Your date most likely will reply to that with, "Can you pass me the salt?" It' s
important to talk to your date like they're a human being. Don't overwhelm them with all that
romantic crap. "Your hair smells sweeter than the inside of my guinea pig cage" just doesn't go
as far as it used to. Just try to be yourself. Unless yourself really sucks. In that case it's best to
imagine your favorite celebrity and try to be them for awhile. Talk about something you both
know about. Guys should not throw a barrage of sports talk at their dates. ( However guys, if
your date should regale you with the batting averages of every Cleveland Indians player for the
past twenty years, you must marry this person immediately. ) Ladies, likewise, should not
discuss the fine art of applying make up as most guys will have little knowledge of this subject.
And if he does, he's probably not interested in you, but rather that cute, new waiter who keeps
walking by your table.
If everything goes right, hopefully your true love will reveal that they have the same feelings for
you. If this is the case, your true love is most likely: a) lying, or b) lying to get your money, or
even c) lying to get your body. You can pretty much rule letter c out. It takes months, even
years for someone to truly love another person. So don't listen to their paltry "I love you's".
Make them express their love in the form of material possessions. "Oh, yeah? If you really love
me so much, why don't you buy me that 41-inch television?" It's a good idea to get as much out
of the person as possible. Then, if the relationship doesn't work out, hey, at least you're watching
The Simpsons in all their 41-inch glory. The downside to this is that if the relationship does work
out, you have to share all the possessions they bought you with them. If you and your true love
survive all of this, then Congratulations! You have done something rare; you have found the one
person that you can spend the rest of your life with. It is something to be proud of. You have
found love and you have to hold on to it with all of your heart. May you and your true love have
a long, lasting relationship!
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