<<< LEVVAX::ACC_USER:[NOTES$LIBRARY]LEV_SOCIETY.NOTE;1 >>> -< Unity, Coming Together, Lightening Up, and ... FUN! >- ================================================================================ Note 35.0 Recycled Jokes... 178 replies LEVVAX::BRC8940 "Houdini Levs...." 20 lines 7-SEP-1993 17:50 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This topic is for new jokes ... old jokes and recycled jokes. Remember no personal attacks, or non politicaly correct jokes. Not everyone has the same sense of humor. I'll go first. (ahem) Why did the chicken cross the road? Because a man with a very big gun told him to. Why argue? ================================================================================ Note 35.1 Recycled Jokes... 1 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 6 lines 8-SEP-1993 12:46 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's black and white and red all over? A Zebra with a sunburn! Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.2 Recycled Jokes... 2 of 178 LEVVAX::JKK7796 "THE MAD HATTER" 23 lines 8-SEP-1993 13:28 -< here kitty, kitty, kitty >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why do you put a cat in a blender feet first? so you can watch it's expression... the mad hatter ================================================================================ Note 35.3 Recycled Jokes... 3 of 178 LEVVAX::AJL3578 "Forever Bored" 6 lines 8-SEP-1993 13:47 -< I miss lopsy >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the snail say while riding on the turtle? WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ================================================================================ Note 35.4 Recycled Jokes... 4 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "I have a home!" 10 lines 8-SEP-1993 14:46 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the little moron bring a ladder to the party? Because he heard drinks were on the house. --Cav ================================================================================ Note 35.5 Recycled Jokes... 5 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 4 lines 8-SEP-1993 14:48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hahahaha Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.6 Recycled Jokes... 6 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 8 lines 8-SEP-1993 17:31 -< old as the hills >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guess what? What? Chicken butt! Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.7 Recycled Jokes... 7 of 178 LEVVAX::BRC8940 "Houdini Levs...." 13 lines 8-SEP-1993 17:32 -< Remember this childhood favorite? >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock Knock. Who's there? Scooby. Scooby who? No you dummy Scooby Doo! Houdini ================================================================================ Note 35.8 Recycled Jokes... 8 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 42 lines 8-SEP-1993 17:36 -< I hate this joke!!! :) >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock Knock Who's there? Ester Ester Who? Ester Easter Bunny. Knock knock Who's there? Anna Anna who? Anna nother Easter Bunny Knock Knock Who's there? Stella Stella who? Stella nother Easter bunny! Knock knock WHO'S THERE?!? Orange. ORANGE WHO?!? Orange you glad there are no more Easter Bunnies? Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.9 Recycled Jokes... 9 of 178 LEVVAX::BRC8940 "Houdini Levs...." 1 line 8-SEP-1993 17:41 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kewl jokes liz.. ================================================================================ Note 35.10 Recycled Jokes... 10 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 3 lines 8-SEP-1993 17:45 -< Senimental value... :) >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thanks... It was my dad's fave when I was a kid. Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.11 Recycled Jokes... 11 of 178 LEVVAX::JED5264 "Q-Tips are better than sex" 13 lines 8-SEP-1993 19:36 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "ask me if I'm a tree." "Are you a tree?" "no." J ================================================================================ Note 35.12 Recycled Jokes... 12 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 10 lines 8-SEP-1993 22:54 -< It is a funny joke >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bunny rabbit went to the dentist's office and the dentist said, "I'll have to give you novacaine so you won't feel the pain," and the rabbit said, "Oh no you don't... I'm an ether bunny." Get it? heh heh heh Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.13 Recycled Jokes... 13 of 178 LEVVAX::BXG5360 "O' Captain! my Captain!" 5 lines 9-SEP-1993 01:36 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nuke this topic. there's a Jokes topic over in Cheers. -Skip ================================================================================ Note 35.14 Recycled Jokes... 14 of 178 LEVVAX::BRC8940 "Houdini Levs...." 5 lines 9-SEP-1993 08:32 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WE Don't Care.. I don't suscribe to cheers.. ================================================================================ Note 35.15 Recycled Jokes... 15 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 7 lines 9-SEP-1993 09:00 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is no official Conference Policy that prohibits multiple topics on a given conference... and definitely not cross-conference. Besides, a popular subject-area -should- have as many topics as popular need dictates... Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.16 Recycled Jokes... 16 of 178 LEVVAX::GPD5545 "Love makes the world go 'round" 10 lines 9-SEP-1993 09:35 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Besides, not everyone is IN Cheers, nor do they wish to be.... OB Joke: Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: U- Nique up on it. -Dank ================================================================================ Note 35.17 Recycled Jokes... 17 of 178 LEVVAX::CAS9140 "coed naked vax" 7 lines 9-SEP-1993 12:44 -< dar >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what's the difference between "Beer Nuts" and "Deer Nuts"? "Beer Nuts" are $1.29 "Deer Nuts" are just under a buck. :) Pook ================================================================================ Note 35.18 Recycled Jokes... 18 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 9 lines 9-SEP-1993 13:57 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you put two nuns in a blender? A bloody Mary Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.20 Recycled Jokes... 20 of 178 LEVVAX::GPD5545 "Love makes the world go 'round" 13 lines 9-SEP-1993 14:04 -< Or... >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > <<< Note 35.18 by LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" >>> > > > > >What do you get when you put two nuns in a blender? > >A bloody Mary Or, Twisted Sister. -Dank ================================================================================ Note 35.22 Recycled Jokes... 22 of 178 LEVVAX::JED5264 "Q-Tips are better than sex" 15 lines 9-SEP-1993 14:31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this one my cousin STILL doesn't get. (you know how I know? because if he did, he would smack his head and go "ooohhh now I get it.. duh, duh... "... he's really stupid...) ok, here goes.... A plane crashes on the border of Texas and Mexico... Where do they bury the survivors? you don't bury survivors. (Unless they are annoying) J ================================================================================ Note 35.23 Recycled Jokes... 23 of 178 LEVVAX::MLK2287 "Yeah, it's against my religion!" 10 lines 9-SEP-1993 14:36 -< Hare joke... >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is carrots good for your eyes? A: You never see rabbit wearing glasses. MOe ================================================================================ Note 35.26 Recycled Jokes... 26 of 178 LEVVAX::BXG5360 "O' Captain! my Captain!" 8 lines 9-SEP-1993 16:34 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ok here's a meanie...hit "n u" now if easily offended. What's black and white and sits in the corner crying? A pregnant Nun. -Skip ================================================================================ Note 35.27 Recycled Jokes... 27 of 178 LEVVAX::CAS9140 "coed naked vax" 9 lines 9-SEP-1993 17:42 -< duh >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oooooooh! that was nasty, but good! alright, I was sitting in spanish class today and to my dismay, we learned the word for "bald". well, since I am losing my hair (shut up! that means you, Tas! :), the wheels started turning and I came up with this... if a person is bald or going bald, is it correct to call them..."HAIRing impaired"? Pook ================================================================================ Note 35.28 Recycled Jokes... 28 of 178 LEVVAX::GPD5545 "Love makes the world go 'round" 1 line 10-SEP-1993 09:33 -< I wonder if there IS a PC term for it? >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good one. :) How about Follically Impaired? ================================================================================ Note 35.29 Recycled Jokes... 29 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 5 lines 10-SEP-1993 12:13 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Follically Deficient Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.30 Recycled Jokes... 30 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 8 lines 10-SEP-1993 12:14 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's black and white and stands in the corner laughing? The priest that got her pregnant (the nun joke from before) Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.35 Recycled Jokes... 35 of 178 LEVVAX::JXM6259 "I hear cries tonight" 9 lines 10-SEP-1993 14:16 -< laugh >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares? What's she doing out of the kitchen? fnord ================================================================================ Note 35.36 Recycled Jokes... 36 of 178 LEVVAX::JXM6259 "I hear cries tonight" 9 lines 10-SEP-1993 14:16 -< laugh >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many male chauvanist pigs does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Let the broad cook in the dark. fnord ================================================================================ Note 35.37 Recycled Jokes... 37 of 178 LEVVAX::JXM6259 "I hear cries tonight" 9 lines 10-SEP-1993 14:17 -< laugh >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if your girlfriend can't have an orgasm? Who cares? fnord ================================================================================ Note 35.39 Recycled Jokes... 39 of 178 LEVVAX::JXM6259 "I hear cries tonight" 7 lines 10-SEP-1993 14:17 -< :) >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discalimer: Those were jokes meant to be a shot at all male c. pigs out there, and I neither endorse nor practice such actions. Thank you. fnord ================================================================================ Note 35.40 Recycled Jokes... 40 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 15 lines 10-SEP-1993 16:46 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say. We believe you. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Kiddin' dude. We'll just beat you up this time. How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb. The whole team... one to hold the lightbulb, the rest to pick up the house and run in circles with it till it screws in. Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.41 Recycled Jokes... 41 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 11 lines 10-SEP-1993 18:47 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many country western singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5! 1 to screw it in, and 4 to sing about how much they long for the old one. Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.42 Recycled Jokes... 42 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 4 lines 10-SEP-1993 19:14 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your woman back, you get your house back, you get your car back, ... ================================================================================ Note 35.43 Recycled Jokes... 43 of 178 LEVVAX::JMS3520 "Twang...Twang...Twang" 20 lines 10-SEP-1993 19:14 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ok...here's one There was a man in the public bathroom and he was taking a pee in the urnal. A midget comes in and looks around. He notices the man at the urnal and steps up to him. The man stares back when the Midget says, "My goodness. Is that your penis?" The man makes a funny face and says," of course it is." The midget runs out of the bathroom and in a few seconds he comes back in with a small step ladder. He sets it up next to the man and the urnal. The midget stepped up and said,"My, my, my, my, That IS a nice penis you have there. Would you mind if I held it?" At this point the man was almost laughing and thought what the hell. "Sure." the man said. So the midget streached his arm and held on to the man's penis. All of the sudden, the midget squeezes really hard and threatens, " OK....give me your wallet or I'll jump!!" --Phantomstalker ================================================================================ Note 35.48 Recycled Jokes... 48 of 178 LEVVAX::JDD9642 "onothimagan" 20 lines 10-SEP-1993 21:55 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A grass hopper, shagged out after a hard day's work, heads to the nearest tavern and orders up a beer. The bartender gets the beer and says to the grasshopper: You're not gonna believe this, but we've got a drink named after you! Looking back in disbelief the grasshopper says: You've got a drink named Larry? jd ================================================================================ Note 35.49 Recycled Jokes... 49 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 18 lines 11-SEP-1993 13:58 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is looking for the perfect wife... He gets three 'applicants' and gives each $1000 to spend... The first spends $800 on clothes and deposits $200 in the bank The second spends $200 on clothes and puts $800 in the bank The third one puts all $1000 in the bank. Which does he choose? The bank teller with the big boobs TLD ** DISCLAIMER: This came from a book my sister has, and she sent it to me; I am in no way responsible for anything more than the posting of this note and the slight rewriting of the punch line so that it fits better, as the old one was a little overdone. ** ================================================================================ Note 35.50 Recycled Jokes... 50 of 178 LEVVAX::JMS3520 "Twang...Twang...Twang" 35 lines 11-SEP-1993 14:11 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a guy named Joe and he walked into a bar. He looks around and sees a horse with a basket of dollar bills next to it. Joe walks up the the bartender and askes, "What's the story here with the horse?" The bartender replies, "I you can make this horse laugh, you will win the basket of money." "ok...fair deal." Joe walks over to the horse and whispers into the Horse's ear. Within seconds, the horse bolts out laughing! Joe takes his money and as he leaves, the bartender says," Hey, how did you do that?" Joe says, " I'll tell you some other time." A week passes and Joe returns and sees the same horse but this time standing next to a basket of 5 dollar bills. The bartender says, "Hey Joe! If you can make this horse cry, you will get this basket of money." Joe says, "can I take him out-side for a few minites?" Bartender; "Sure." Moments later Joe comes back with the horse. The Poor horse is drenched in tears and is sniffling. The bartender finaly yells out, "Ok Joe...you gotta tell me how you did that." Joe says, "all right...when I made him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his. When I made him cry, I showed him." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ---Phantomstalker ================================================================================ Note 35.51 Recycled Jokes... 51 of 178 LEVVAX::JXM6259 "I hear cries tonight" 9 lines 11-SEP-1993 14:26 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the rugby player get on his IQ test? Drool. fnord ================================================================================ Note 35.52 Recycled Jokes... 52 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 3 lines 11-SEP-1993 14:28 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does IQ stand for? I Quit ================================================================================ Note 35.54 Recycled Jokes... 54 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "Bite me! It's fun!" 42 lines 12-SEP-1993 12:42 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A traveling salesman is driving along a country road, and his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say, he is a bit irked... and rapidly becoming late for an important convention. As he stands by his car, waiting for help, he hears a voice from behind him. "Go about a mile down the road. There is a farmer there... he has tools... he'll help you out!" The man looks around. There is noone in sight except a large brown horse. "Did you say that?" the man asks, doubting his sanity. "Of course! Now, just go down the road and talk to the farmer... he's a nice guy... he'll help ya!" "sure.... ok...thank you..." the man says and begins to walk down the road. And, like the salesman that he is, he begins to contemplate exactly how many millions he could make with a horse like that. So, when he reaches the house, he chats with the farmer. The farmer is happy to help him with the car, and as they walk back, the salesman brings up the horse. "I saw you have a horse out there... my daughter's birthday is coming up... and she's always wanted a horse... I was wondering if you would consider selling it... I'll give you $500." "I don't know.... I raised that horse from a foal... he's practically part of the family..." "$1000." "For that old horse.... hey, you've been talking to the horse, haven't you?" The salesman nods, shamefacedly. The farmer leans towards him. "He didn't win the Kentucky Derby!!!" Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.57 Recycled Jokes... 57 of 178 LEVVAX::JCH2564 "ich bin ein berliner" 41 lines 12-SEP-1993 13:05 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danger, lame joke ahead....... ----- There once was a bear who lived in Boise who, after just waking up from a long winter's hibernation, really craved a beer. So he walks into the first bar he finds and orders a Bud. "I'm sorry," says the bartender, "but we don't serve beer to bears in Boise" "But you dont' understand," says the bear, "I just woke up from hibernation, and I really want a beer" "Sorry," Says the bartender, "we don't serve beer to bears in Boise" "But," the bear says, "I really, really want a beer." "Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve beer to bears in Boise" "Look," Says the bear, "if you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that girl sitting there." "Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve beer to bears in Boise" So the bear wanders down the bar and gobbles up the girl. "Now," says the bear, "give me a beer." "Sorry," Says the bartender, "We don't serve drug addicts either. That was the bar bitch you ate" :) Ffej ================================================================================ Note 35.58 Recycled Jokes... 58 of 178 LEVVAX::AMA4524 "Angel of Music" 6 lines 12-SEP-1993 23:15 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ugh. 'nuff said. NB ================================================================================ Note 35.59 Recycled Jokes... 59 of 178 LEVVAX::BRC8940 "Houdini is still with us.." 25 lines 15-SEP-1993 09:58 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a corny but goodie.. " Mommmy!" ..... "What my little pumpkin? " "I gotta go wee!" Said the brat. "We will be at grandmas' house soon." Mother said. "BUT I GOTTA GO WEE NOW!" So the mom pull into a service station so her brat can wee. " You can go now." " Really momma? " "Yes! Now Go!" So the little boy takes a large a gasp of air in to his lungs and shouts.. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HOUDINI ================================================================================ Note 35.60 Recycled Jokes... 60 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate..." 2 lines 15-SEP-1993 12:21 -< ? >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================================================================================ Note 35.61 Recycled Jokes... 61 of 178 LEVVAX::TLR8799 "Whaddya mean, Doc? I'm not insane?" 2 lines 15-SEP-1993 14:04 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (phony laugh) Ha Ha Ha...ugh! The Joker ================================================================================ Note 35.62 Recycled Jokes... 62 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 8 lines 15-SEP-1993 14:05 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, ok... I got one. 2 Ducks were sitting in a bathtub. And one duck said "pass the soap." And the other duck said, "No soap... radio!" Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.63 Recycled Jokes... 63 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate..." 4 lines 15-SEP-1993 16:06 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sol was sitting in a bathtub, and he told a joke that fused my brain, so someone smacked him with a duck. ================================================================================ Note 35.64 Recycled Jokes... 64 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 14 lines 15-SEP-1993 17:57 -< ha ha >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this guy, see? And he led a very simple life. But he had this tendancy to use puns in everything he said. One day, he said ,"Smell ya later!" to the king. So the king decided to have him put to death. So the guy wimpered and wimpered and it was a pitiful sight. "I can't stand to see a grown man cry," said the king. So the king killed him. Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.65 Recycled Jokes... 65 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Wonder Twin Powers, Activate..." 3 lines 16-SEP-1993 00:15 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now THERE was something funny. ================================================================================ Note 35.66 Recycled Jokes... 66 of 178 LEVVAX::FJS3367 "Turn me over, this side's done." 25 lines 16-SEP-1993 08:49 -< Warning: elephant jokes... >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "It is a far, far better thing..." Ah, fork it. Q: What's the gunk between an elephant's toes? A: Slow natives. Q: What to elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic natives. Nothing against any person, living or dead, that resembles any term used in the jokes above. They're just jokes that I remembered this morning for some unknown reason... Nutrocker -- ================================================================================ Note 35.67 Recycled Jokes... 67 of 178 LEVVAX::TLR8799 "Whaddya mean, Doc? I'm not insane?" 17 lines 16-SEP-1993 16:16 -< How's this one? Any comments? >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine just told me this joke while we were in Literature class. There were three people who would drink together all the time. They were Jim, Kim (his sister), and Tim (her boyfriend). They would frequent the same bar for weeks at a time. About 2 months later, Jim starts coming in alone and the bartender asks him what happened to the two others. Jim told him that they got married and he wanted three drinks at the same time. The bartender is confused and asks Jim why and Jim tells him that he wants to keep up the tradition. The bartender isn't about to argue with this profit-maker, so he serves up 3 drinks. This continues for a month. Then Jim tells the bartender that he wants only 2 drinks this time. Naturally the bartender thinks that someone died and asks Jim if this is so. Jim replies, "No, I stopped drinking yesterday." The Joker ================================================================================ Note 35.68 Recycled Jokes... 68 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 55 lines 16-SEP-1993 16:55 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! Sad if you need to get those... Here's one... it contains a little bit more than the average person can handle, so hit "n" or type "next" if you don't want to see it... A king was ready to give away his lucious daughter; so he put out flyers saying that applicants can come to the castle... After looking through the applicants, he found three he liked. He decreed, "Okay... The one of you who can spend two hours with my daughter and NOT HAVE SEX with her may have her as your bride." So the three men are put into separate rooms. The king, in the meantime, has had razor blades put into the woman's vagina (This was the sick part I warned you about) so that they were just out enough to do damage. The princess spends two hours with each of the three men, and they are all then brought together. The king says to the first man, "Pull your pants down." He complies, and his penis falls off. The king is kind, so he puts the man out of his misery.... (Guiotine) The king then says to the second man, "Pull YOUR pants down." He also complies, and the actions are repeated. The king then says to the third man, "Pull yours down now." He complies, and his penis is fully intact. The king congratulates him, and marries the two. Leaving the cathedral, the king asks the third man, "I am glad I was able to find someone I could trust with my daughter." The third man says, "Yehsss... Dahnk ooo feri mush" (In case you didn't get it, his tongue was cut off...) TLD ================================================================================ Note 35.69 Recycled Jokes... 69 of 178 LEVVAX::KAB8121 "WINDOWS TO THE SOUL" 4 lines 16-SEP-1993 18:59 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i heard a similar version of it before.. and it was just as good..:D ..vampiress ================================================================================ Note 35.70 Recycled Jokes... 70 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 11 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:32 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid joke! Did you hear the joke about the pencil? Forget it! It doesn't have a point! Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.71 Recycled Jokes... 71 of 178 LEVVAX::JDD9642 "onothimagan" 9 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:37 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another dumb one - Anybody know why when geese fly in a 'V' that one side's longer than the other? There's more geese on that side ================================================================================ Note 35.72 Recycled Jokes... 72 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 13 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:47 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the soldier salute the refridgerator? It was General Electric. Snore.... Ewokie :) ================================================================================ Note 35.73 Recycled Jokes... 73 of 178 LEVVAX::JFO8808 "Jayce" 10 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:50 -< No, not gReek... :) >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Geek joke: Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct == 15 Dec. --- Jayce :) ================================================================================ Note 35.74 Recycled Jokes... 74 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 9 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:52 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that joke about the bed? Forget it! It hasn't been made! Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.75 Recycled Jokes... 75 of 178 LEVVAX::GPD5545 "Love makes the world go 'round" 4 lines 17-SEP-1993 10:59 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't know that Xmas got moved to the 15th?! :) -Dank ================================================================================ Note 35.76 Recycled Jokes... 76 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 8 lines 17-SEP-1993 11:54 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something Ewokie :) ================================================================================ Note 35.77 Recycled Jokes... 77 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 10 lines 17-SEP-1993 11:54 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I didnt' know that 31 Oct = 15 Dec, either... Let's see... According to my calculator, 31 Oct = 25 Dec. That would make the joke better. It would have two correct dates, and would make more sense. (15 Dec = 17 Oct.) TLD ================================================================================ Note 35.78 Recycled Jokes... 78 of 178 LEVVAX::ABL4290 "The one, the Prime." 4 lines 17-SEP-1993 12:17 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't get that joke... Sol ================================================================================ Note 35.79 Recycled Jokes... 79 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 5 lines 17-SEP-1993 12:23 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- me neither so don't worry. Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.80 Recycled Jokes... 80 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Gick-Ba" 11 lines 17-SEP-1993 13:41 -< Good enough, Tas? >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the monkey. --Cav ================================================================================ Note 35.81 Recycled Jokes... 81 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 12 lines 17-SEP-1993 14:36 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 31 Oct. = 25 Dec. 31 octal (base 8) = 25 decimal (base 10) 25 / 8 = 3 remainder 1 (Using DIV and MOD, you can convert bases.) Oct. = October, and Dec. = December, which makes the joke work... The person who typed it in hit the one instead of the two and messed up the joke. TLD ================================================================================ Note 35.82 Recycled Jokes... 82 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Taszilla vs. King Kong" 4 lines 17-SEP-1993 14:43 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you. Maybe if you squint your eyes and wish real hard, you could get a job with Mr. Wizard. ================================================================================ Note 35.83 Recycled Jokes... 83 of 178 LEVVAX::TLR8799 "Whaddya mean, Doc? I'm not insane?" 7 lines 17-SEP-1993 15:25 -< Maybe you should bar my entry here Hee! Hee! >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's another one...sorry, guys...this topic was set up for me! CEO: My wife made a millionaire out of me. 2nd CEO: What were you before? 1st CEO: A multimillionaire. The Joker ================================================================================ Note 35.84 Recycled Jokes... 84 of 178 LEVVAX::JGM7683 "VAXMAN Returns!" 7 lines 17-SEP-1993 17:31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the politician that demanded the people pay less taxes? neither did I. TLD ================================================================================ Note 35.85 Recycled Jokes... 85 of 178 LEVVAX::CAS9140 "coed naked vax" 5 lines 18-SEP-1993 14:12 -< goin' for the big 2-1 this year >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >(15 Dec = 17 Oct.) hey, that's my birthday! :) Pook ================================================================================ Note 35.86 Recycled Jokes... 86 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 11 lines 18-SEP-1993 16:47 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What goes down the chimney up, and up the chimney down? an umbrella. If you understand this, explain it to me, cuz a brainless friend of mine told it to me. Ewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.87 Recycled Jokes... 87 of 178 LEVVAX::GPD5545 "Love makes the world go 'round" 4 lines 18-SEP-1993 19:20 -< book >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well if you HAD to force an umberlla up and then down the chimeny, think of which way it would be facing in each instance...... -Dank ================================================================================ Note 35.88 Recycled Jokes... 88 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 7 lines 18-SEP-1993 19:37 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Duhhhh...ok Ewokie :) ================================================================================ Note 35.89 Recycled Jokes... 89 of 178 LEVVAX::EJC7658 "And the llamas shall lead..." 10 lines 18-SEP-1993 19:41 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- funky. Why did the llama cross the road? Because he was desperately trying to escape our clutches! Liz ================================================================================ Note 35.90 Recycled Jokes... 90 of 178 LEVVAX::AXP4796 "The Ewok from the Bronx" 9 lines 18-SEP-1993 19:43 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Llama bend over? to take a dump. Naturally, llaewokie ================================================================================ Note 35.91 Recycled Jokes... 91 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 22 lines 18-SEP-1993 23:58 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 = Person #1 2 = Person #2 (duh) 1: If you found a dollar on the side of the road would you keep it and not tell anyone? 2: No, I wouldn't tell anyone. 1: If you found a million dollars, would you keep it and not tell anyone? 2: Hell ya, I'd keep it, and not tell anyone! 1: If would ya were walking in the woods, got hit over the head, and woke up with your pants down and vaseline all over your butt the next morning, would you tell anyone? 2: HELL NO! 1: Want to go Hunting? |> One of my favorit nasty ones! Black Amethyst ================================================================================ Note 35.92 Recycled Jokes... 92 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 33 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:04 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Letter from MAMA: i'm writing thiss rel sslow becauswe i knowed you cant read real fast. We don't live wher we did when you left. we reead that most accidents happen within twenty miles from home so we moved. I cant give you the adress because the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers off the house for their next house so they wouldn't have to chagge their address. this place hes a washing machine. the first day i put four shirtss in, pulled the chain, and aint seen em since. it only rained twice thiss week three days the first time and four the secondtime. you know the coat you wanted me to send you? well, aunt sue said that it would be to heavy to send in the mail with those big heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets we got a letter from the funeral home, they said if we dont make the last payment on granmas funeral bill, up she comes your sister had a baby this mornin, i aint heard if its a boy or a girl, so i dont know if your an aunt or an uncle. yur uncle john fell in the wisky vat, some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off an he droned. we creamated him and he burned for three days three of your friends weent off the bridge in a pick up , one was driving the other two were in the back. the drive got out, he rolled the window down an swam to safeety. the other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. theere is not much news this time, nothing much has happened love, MAMA Disclaimers: Gerrit did not make this up the spelling errors are part of the joke This is another one of the better ones on my list Black Amethyst ================================================================================ Note 35.93 Recycled Jokes... 93 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 7 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:05 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old smelly bum sits at the back of a bar just surrounded by beautiful women. A new guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "How does that smelly bum get all those gorgeous women?" The bartender replied, "He don't do a damn thing all day...just sits back there and licks his eyebrows." BA ================================================================================ Note 35.94 Recycled Jokes... 94 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 16 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:09 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy buys a farm and didn't know what to raise so he went down to see his neighbor. The neighbor told him he raises chickens and make a pretty good living so he should do the same. The man asks him how to get started and the farmer told him he get him started. He said first you need a rooster commonly called a cock, then you need a hen, commonly called a pullit, and lastly you need a mule commonly called an ass. The farmer said one thing about the ass, everyonce in awhile he will sit down and you'll need to scratch him behing the ear. the man had his pullit and cock under each arm with his ass going home. Suddenly the ass decided to sit down. The man having his cock and his pullit under his arms couldn't figure out how he was going to scratch the ass behind the ear. Suddenly a beautiful young lady came along and asked if she could help. The man replied, "Could you please hold my cock and pullit while I scratch my ass?" BA ================================================================================ Note 35.95 Recycled Jokes... 95 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 16 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:13 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another typical day at Sunday School for Miss Jones & her students.... While discussing death & heaven and all that goes along, she asks her class which part of the body they believe goes up to heaven first...Little Julie raises her hand and answers, "Your hands Miss Jones because you fold them in front of you when you pray." "Very good Julie" says Miss J, "Any other thoughts class?" Little Bobby raises his hand and answers, "Your head Miss Jones since it is the tallest part of your body. It will get there first." "Very good Bobby...Anyone else?" Littly Johnny raises his hands and replies, "Your legs are the first to get to heaven." "Your legs?" questions Miss Jones, "Why do you say that?" "Well, last night I walked into my mommy and daddy's room. She was on her back with her legs in the air, daddy was on top of her and i heard her say 'Oh God! I'm coming!'" BA ================================================================================ Note 35.96 Recycled Jokes... 96 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 23 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:18 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you son's of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. All of you son's of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the traise, cuase we're leaving!!" The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped, and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today, and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will ride with us again soon," the son continues, " for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under the seat. Remember, there is no smoking, except in the club car. We hope you have a pleasant journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." (Bad taste, but still funny) Black Amethyst (as usual) ================================================================================ Note 35.97 Recycled Jokes... 97 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 11 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:20 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A kid comes home from 7th grade. His dad says, "Well, what did you do in school today?" He says, "I had sex with a teacher." Dad's really impressed. He says, hey, you're growing up fast. I didn't have sex with a teacher until i was in college. Tell you what big guy, you know that bike you've been wanting? Let's go out tonight and try out a couple." The kid replies, "Thanks, Dad, but not tonight. My butt's sore." (Even worse, but still a little humorous) BA ================================================================================ Note 35.98 Recycled Jokes... 98 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 36 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:27 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Honor of National Condom Week, Our Little Friend "Robbie Rubber" Reminds us TO: 1] Cover your stump before you hump. 2] Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. 3] Don't be silly, protect your willie. 4] Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster. 5] Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6] When in doubt, shroud your sprout. 7] You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. 8] If you ain't gonna sack it, go home and whack it. 9] Before you bag her, sheath your dagger. 10] If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. 11] It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. 12] If you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize. 13] Save some embarassment later -- cover your gator 14] She won't get sick if you cap your dick. 15] If you go into heat, package your meat. 16] While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis. 17] Off with her pant and blouse? Suit up the trouser mouse. 18] Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. 19] Especially in December, gift wrap your member 20] She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus, and be into fellatic if you wrap up Horatio 21] Befo' the van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock gets stockin'. 22] Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool. REMINDER: If you don't like the taste, tell me and I will stop, if you do like it, tell me and I may continue. I did not make up ANY of this. This is all from a list I collected on BBS's back in California while a freshamn in High School. Black Amethyst ================================================================================ Note 35.99 Recycled Jokes... 99 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 91 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:48 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a GOOD taste one!!! (Long too, geez, this takes a while) Here, from Denis Caruso's column in the SF Chron Sunday July 21 '91, is a piece by Dave Barry along the lines of those instructions you get when you buy a new peripheral: READ THIS FIRST! Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you years of trouble-free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead customer maneuver. Which is whe we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. You already unpacked it, Didn't you? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, the same child who once shoved a Polish sausage into your VCA and set it on "fast forward," this same child is also fiddling with the knobs, right? We might as well just break these devices right at the factory before we ship them out, you know that? We're sorry. We get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertantly bathed the device in acid for six days. Som writing these instructions we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it, OK? Now let's talk about: 1] UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing packages. WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Josef Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: > Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING." > A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxer prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: A matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 2] PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE. The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current from flowing through their appliances developed the Three Pronged Plug, the the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than The Other. Your device is equiped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist Of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN. Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet. but out of direct sunligh, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. WARNING: When you are laying the plug on the floor, do not hold a sharp object in your other hand and trip over the cord and poke your eye out, as this could void the warranty. 3] OPERATION OF THE DEIVICE WARNING: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working central parts of the device are manufactured in Japan. The instructions below were translated by Mrs. Shirly Peltwater of Accounts Receivable, who has never been to Japan, but who does have most of "Shogun" on tape INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold thest buttons two times! Except the battery Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurance! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B. 4] WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the manufacturer will, at no charge to the owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their cabes and engage in rituals designed to cleans it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. (BTW..If I don't answer someone, I'm typing pages of this, yeck) Black Amethyst ================================================================================ Note 35.100 Recycled Jokes... 100 of 178 LEVVAX::GKB3790 "Taszilla vs. King Kong" 3 lines 19-SEP-1993 00:50 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You _are_ bored aren't you? :) ================================================================================ Note 35.101 Recycled Jokes... 101 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 14 lines 19-SEP-1993 02:15 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bored? No..I'm having fun typing all this in!!! :> Well, I thought you people might enjoy some real humor. |) In the days of old, When knights were bold, And condoms weren't invented: Upon their cock, They placed a sock, And that's how babies were prevented. 'Tis cute! BA ================================================================================ Note 35.102 Recycled Jokes... 102 of 178 LEVVAX::MSA7064 "The light bringer" 5 lines 19-SEP-1993 16:39 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah, GAK, cute... Sceadeau ================================================================================ Note 35.103 Recycled Jokes... 103 of 178 LEVVAX::GAK4178 18 lines 19-SEP-1993 18:13 ---