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Writings > C'est la vie... c'est l'amour...

12 Jun 2002

I am in love. I have been in love. I may always be in love. I will love. But, I may not always get love back. That is what will make me sad (and then angry by the 'vicious cycle of gile'). In love with that one who you put all your hopes and dreams into.

I think that many of my problems come from the fact that, for a large part of my life, I was ignored by most everyone. Also, I've always been very intelligent, and intelligence & social ineptitude always go together. So, I've never been able to express what I feel in any sort of outgoing way. I send it back inside, and it becomes sadness, then anger, and that repeats in a cycle. The anger is what people see, and that's what they make their (extremely shallow) judgements on.

Luckily for me, there are people who aren't totally shallow, those who aren't philistines. I'm grateful (to whom, I know not) that I now have friends, and I'm trying not to screw myself (and them) over to the point of total hate.

As for Her, I know that I can never again be near or with her. I took it inside to the point of explosivness. When I finally worked up the gall to onfess that I was, indeed, in love with her, it had already gone too far. From a distance, she now looks happy, and I hope that she will always be, even if I am not.