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Writings > Explaining the old Anger

05 Mar 2002

Me: The way I wrote it is the truth. Loneliness and friendlessness is a way of life for me, remember?
Matt: I really wish you'd stop your fruitless crusade (or perhaps it's too fruitful, from your point of view?) to avoid friendship at all costs. You'd be suprised how much happier you could be — there are some decent people who aren't philistines. Not many, but some.
Me: There was a point, in early last year, when I was happy. Then I went and fucked it all up. So, it seems best to not even try. (...and for the standard question: Why do you care?)
Matt: For the nonstandard answer, I care because I consider you a friend, whether or not you choose to accept that. Whatever happened last year, have you ever told anybody?
Me: No, I haven't, and I don't really want to.
Matt: Well, it is clearly still bothering your (or has had some lasting effect), and it's starting to bother me that you always seem so unhappy. I've noticed it for a while (no suprise to you, I'm sure), and I really wish you'd feel comfortable talking about it.

This is an excerpt from a message on 10 April 2001. This is the first time it's been shown to anyone but myself and its author.

I hate to be a self-centered bitch, but I hafta say this. I don't think you realize what you're doing to me. By acting as you have around me, then turning around and being as you are around others, it really scares me. I don't know if I'm just distorting this, or not, but I know you need help, and I really wish, actually, if there were one thing you could ever give me that would make me eternally happy, it would be to get yourself help. From my point of view, this is really unhealthy to both of us...I also have the backup of 10+ people who I trust that yeah, this is really bad. So, I ask you to do me a favor. GET HELP. I don't mean to say that I think you're psycotic or something, I just know that you're dangerous to yourself, and I really don't want to see you hurt. This is the complete other side of the spectrum, but I also think that you should just ignore that I even exist. Please. At least for now. I need to figure my life out right now, as do you. Please, don't take this the wrong way. You're a great person when you're happy. And that's all I want to see you. Ever. So, for now, I bid thee farewell, good morrow, and all that jazz.

That's right, all of my pain and sorrow is over a girl!

10 April 2001 is not a date I'll soon forget. On that day, I lost all hope an d belief in love and friendship.

I wish I could get those feelings of "everyone hates me" out of my head. My intelligent half of the brain says it's not true, and it's right. But it's that other side, you know, 'emotions', that keeps repeating "everyone hates you" over and over.

There are incidents because of this that only a few people will ever know.

Matt: Give us a chance. Stop telling us that we hate you and that we don't give a damn and that we can't be your friends .

I want to, but I must ask, where were you, my 'friends' in April 2001?