Moments of Stupidity

This is where I shall chronicle some of the varying moments of stupidity that I have suffered in my life. In fact, I could probably just chronicle my entire life, and save the effort of picking out certain "moments".

Bathroom Mishap

You ever see the movie True Lies? I didn't think that it was an exceptionally good movie, or even a good movie, or even a movie for that matter. Okay, so it was a movie. Anyways, one of my friends in D.C. thought it was the greatest movie ever (yeah, I don't know why, either) and used to watch it all the time. As such, I was forced to watch it. Tom Arnold is in this movie. Awww, crap, you know what? I'm thinking of the wrong movie. Scratch everything I just said. Okay, Austin Powers. (Tom Arnold also has a bit part in this movie in a restroom scene--see the Tom Arnold connection? Hence the confusion). Well in Austin Powers, when he's in the bathroom, Austin is getting choked in a bathroom stall and making alot of noises such that the unassuming person (Tom Arnold) in the next stall over thinks he's just having a hard time going to the bathroom. Yes this is a lame, cheesy-ass joke, ... but anyways. Tom Arnold is hearing the struggles of his neighbor and thinks it's a very nasty session and at one point says, "Hey buddy, how about a courtesy flush over there?!". Okay, this has all just been set-up for my little anecdote, which is only about 1/5 the length of everything up to this point. So I walk into the bathroom one night which has two stalls, and as I was the only one in there I am prone to say random things out loud to no one in particular. [I don't know. I just do. It's what I do, so deal with it. (*)] So I go into the stall and I see remnants from a "previous occupant", if you will, which is enough to make your average person move on to the next stall in disgust. Me, I'm just lazy. Fuggit, I say. So seeing the remnants prompts my mind to play the mental video clip of the Austin Powers bathroom scene, so I say loudly "Hey buddy, how about a courtesy flush over there?!" I then hear from the stall next to me someone clearing their throat and saying "sorry" under their breath. Yes apparently someone was indeed in the stall next to me. Rather than explaining that I was quoting a movie, and not referring to them stinking up the whole damn place, I quickly turned around and ran out of the bathroom. Let me tell you, I did feel quite the ass.

(*) See Bathroom Phobias for additional example

A Rose For Your Beauty!

One time I was at the Corner Store for the express purpose of buying my girlfriend a single rose for some particular occasion. After meticulously picking out the best rose in the store (out of all four that were available), I proceeded to the checkout counter where a twenty year old girl was waiting to ring me up. She took my only purchase, the single rose, and she rang it up. Now for some reason, which still today eludes me, I turned towards her and looked her in the eyes and said: "What would you do, if I told you that I got this rose for you?" She looked at me as a big grin began to spread over her face. "Really!?" she cried happily. "No, not really," I replied, "but wouldn't it have been cool if I had?" And then I turned around and left.

My friend was there with me for that encounter and afterwards said "That was the dickest thing I have ever seen you do." And I must agree. I don't know why I did it. I mean, I could have made that girl's entire night, she would have married me on the spot. Her look of excitement and unadulterated joy at the thought of a stranger coming up to the register, buying a single rose, and giving it to the cashier behind the counter was something to see. Equally see-worthy, was the look of devastation after my retort. At the time I was not trying to crush the life out of a Corner Store cashier. I had the rose, and just thought to myself what a neat scenario it would be for someone to buy a rose for no reason and turn around and give it to the woman behind the counter, like on a TV show or something. It just so happened that I voiced this scenario out loud, not realizing the potential to completely destroy a young woman who had yet to reach her prime. Before you brand me an evil, heartless monster, I did feel so bad that I later went back to the store, with the notion to actually give her a rose this time because I felt like a dick. But alas, she was not there. She probably had to take off work early after feeling the utter destruction of her innocence and beauty by a mindless mistake on my part. Even if she was there, how would the second encounter have transpired? "What would you do, if I told you that I got this rose for you... no... for real this time... seriously... no, I'm not joking... this time is for real..."

Usher?! But I don't even know how to ush!!

Last summer, my sister tells me, "Hey, I'm getting married and you're in the wedding". Okay. Sounds good. As the months go by, it is time for the wedding. The day of the ceremony, I meet one of the groom's friends, and my sister says "Yes, he's the other usher." Hmm, that's funny, I thought. She said "other" usher, as if insinuating that he was not the sole usher, whatever this "usher" thing may be. Well, it turns out that I am an usher as well. Apparently this is common knowledge. What the hell dudes?! I've never heard this. I've never been in a wedding before, I didn't know the protocol. Cut me some slack, alright? I was told that it's not a big deal, and then it was explained that I just greet guests and sit the groom's family on one side of the church and the bride's family on the other. I have never been more frightened of anything in my life (ok, maybe the movie E.T. when I was 5 years old...). That would mean that I would have to KNOW which side to place people when they came. If they're my relatives, then I would look like an ass if I asked them "Bride or groom side?" "We're your goddamned relatives, you son of a bitch, don't you know your own uncle?!" Ok, it's not like I don't know my close relatives, but I mean there's a lot of freakin relatives, and I'd been at school for 5 years. I didn't even remember my parents' faces for crissakes! And I've been entrusted with deciphering who these seemingly strange individuals are and placing them accordingly!? Well it couldn't be too bad, eh?

Worst. Usher. Ever.
Seriously. I had no idea what was going on. It was completely stacked up on one side and there were like 5 people sitting in the entire right hand side of the church. "Just fill up all the seats up close" my mom whispered as she rushed past and saw my look of mortification. Somehow I managed to get through the process and everyone got seated okay. Nothing was ever said, but I know deep down that everyone thought that I ruined the wedding. Hey I didn't know that I would have to ush! Warn me ahead of time people! I could have, I don't know, taken some usher training, or some Internet courses or something. Oddly enough, I haven't been in any weddings since. All that I know is that at my wedding there will be no ushers. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. No, at my wedding, me and my bride will be suspended from the ceiling, along with the preacher, and all of the guests will simply form a huge, single, mass-like globule beneath in a mosh-pit-like fashion. It's gonna be great.

Bathroom Phobia

I have a phobia of "dropping anchor" in public bathrooms. Not so much that I won't or refuse to do it, or that I have to put an entire roll of toilet paper on the seat before I can go. But rather my phobia is having people know, just "know", that I am going to the bathroom. I mean, I realize everybody does it (except for me, of course), yet I can't allow anyone else to know that I am going numero dos. And "in public" means in a common bathroom like in a dorm setting, or a bathroom shared by you and your roommate(s) in your apartment, and even the bathroom in your own house shared by your family. (You know how you don't ever see your parents having sex? Well I don't want anyone catching me at this.)

Hence my regularly scheduled broadcast isn't until the off-peak hours. I've devised times that I like to call "low-risk" times; these are generally extremely early or late at night. I, for example, usually wait until 12:30 am. Most people are sleeping at that time, so it is a good time to go.

Additional tips:
If you're in someone's home (including your own) and you must go during a peak time, a good technique is to keep the faucet running while you're unloading your freight. Periodically shout out at high volume, "Whoooo! My hands sure are really, really dirty!" and "It's gonna take a lot of water to clean these puppies!"

On the opposite angle, there are "high-risk" times. These are peak times such as during lunch hour at work. Big no-no. Also avoid the half-hour windows before and after lunch when other Public-dump Phobiacs are often found trying to avoid the lunch-hour rush as well.

Be sure to make sure that the stall door is locked securely before going about yo' bidness... While during my lunch hour one day at work, I was doing my "daily reading" in the bathroom when I hear someone else enter. I do the obligatory "warning cough" to alert strangers as to my territory. That done, I turn my attention back to reading the colorful graffiti on the wall. Suddenly, the door comes flying open and some guy is standing there looking at me, and I stare back feeling naked (well, my pants were down around my ankles...) and vulnerable. We both quickly mutter "sorry" simultaneously, and as I yank the door back closed, I hear his footsteps leaving the bathroom. Well, at least he did the right thing and immediately ran away, as I was already mortified and needn't have the moment prolonged. So, kids, make sure those damn stall doors are latched! Give a couple test jiggles on the door to make sure that it is indeed securely fashioned. Some older doors have latches that barely connect, so you want to make sure that you will be safe.

Footnote:
My phobia causes me to come up with various scenarios that are tantamount to the "tied to an airplane wing 10,000 feet in the air" scenario that a person who is afraid of heights might come up with. In this scenario, I'm all alone in a bathroom containing a lone stall. I am unloading the cargo when someone else enters the bathroom. Large, heavy footsteps echo throughout the bathroom and then suddenly cease. There is silence for a long, extended period. Then a loud, booming voice (think James Earl Jones): "Damn fool! Yo' shit is stank!" At this point, the person starts banging on the door and pulling on the handle in an attempt to forcibly open the stall door. This is as far as my nightmare scenario goes, I usually black out after thinking that far. As a result, whenever I catch one of my friends or vice versa dropping anchor, I will walk in quietly, hopefully undetected, and bellow out a booming "Damn, fool! Yo' shit is stank!", thus notifying the guilty party that I am aware of their mortal shortcomings. I often say this even when I'm alone, because... well shit, dude, it's just fun to say.