Area Man Proposes to Brita Ultramax® Pitcher

RALEIGH, NC—Tom Mutbosch, 24, proposed to the Brita UltraMax® pitcher last Friday. "It was a spur of the moment type of thing," said Mutbosch.

Above: Mutbosch proposes to Brita Ultramax
Above: Mutbosch proposes to Brita Ultramax®

"I mean, I've always liked the Brita Ultramax® you know. We've spent a lot of quality time throughout the last three years. We had always been good friends, and recently I started taking more notice of its sleek, modern design and its large storage capacity, and suddenly it hit me that it was time to take the next step."

That next step was going on bended knee and proposing to the Brita Ultramax® pitcher. "I've never been happier. I know that we are really meant to be together. The Brita Ultramax® is truly remarkable. It is sweet, caring, and truly beautiful." Added Mutbosch, "Plus, its rectangular tank fits easily on refrigerator shelves and countertops."

Mutbosch also expressed joy in not only becoming part of the Brita Ultramax®'s life, but also becoming a member of the large extended Brita family. "It's great," exclaimed Mutbosch. "You've got the Brita Riviera, the Aqualux, the Space Saver... For once, I feel that I'm part of a real family now. Oh and don't forget about the Niagra Blue."

Perhaps the one person happier than Mutbosch is his mother Nancy Mutbosch of Greenville, PA. "I am quite pleased with my son's new bride-to-be. Not only will the Brita Ultramax® give him the proper care and nurturing he deserves, it will also eliminate 98% of the lead, copper, chlorine, and sediment commonly found in his tap water."

Above: Brita Ultramax and family
Above: The recently betrothed Brita Ultramax® and family.
This unconventional proposal is not without its detractors. In fact, the news is causing an uproar in surrounding areas. A few picketers took up arms outside of Mutbosch's downtown home Sunday afternoon. "Even Brita's Advanced Filtration System Won't Purify Your Soul!" read one picketer's sign. Despite the negative reaction, Mutbosch seems unfazed. "You know, I expected a bit of a backlash. Anytime someone else is truly happy and you're not, it's only human nature to lash out. It is understandable that they'd be upset that the Brita Ultramax® chose to allow me to sip from it's purified lead-free nectar, and not them."

University of North Carolina chaplain David Tullner tried using every possible interpretation of the Bible to find something to illegitimatize the proposal, but came up empty. "It doesn't say a damned thing in there about pitchers, Brita models or otherwise," Tullner said. "There's a lot in there about sodomists and homosexuals, but in the eyes of the Lord, I guess this is okay."

Mutbosch's former high school teacher and current Asheville, NC resident Barb Holland is among those who found the news particularly disturbing. "Today somebody's marrying a Brita Ultramax® Pitcher. Now tomorrow we're going to have someone trying to marry their goddamned VCR! Where does it end?" Upon being informed of the recent nuptials of an Indiana, PA man to the TiVo Series 2 Personal Video Recorder (60 Hour Model), Ms. Holland threw her arms up in disgust and refused further comment.