The 5 toughest questions
women ask
(and the answers).
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier
than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so
bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument
and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say
dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
what a warm, wonderful, caring,
thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman
you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance
whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at
the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than
you.
e - How he would spend the
insurance money if you died.
2 - "Do you love me?" The
correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need
to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better
if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean
by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The
correct male response to this question is
to confidently and emphatically
state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers
include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I
wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks
good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question?
I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's
prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a
passer-by you were staring at so hard that
you almost cause a traffic
accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response
is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a
different way.
b - I don't know how one goes
about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a
better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's
younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question?
I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I
died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me
and I would perforce hurl myself
under the front tires of the first Domino's
Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the
lot, as is illustrated by the
following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What
would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely
upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered
the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the
husband. "Don't you like being
married?" said the wife. "Of
course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd
remarry."
"You would?" said the wife,
looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our
bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would."
replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife
indignantly." And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said
the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them
with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the
correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife,
leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf
clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the
husband. "She is left-handed."
