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Writings > (untitled number one)

11 Aug 2002

I am finally happy. Alone still, but happy nonetheless.

My original love-of-death is actually a source of some of this. No matter wh at happens — I know I've ruined everything with her — I still love her. But, I also know that nothing will come of that. I have her forgiveness for what I did, even if I don't deserve it. So I don't dwell on it much.

Over the past week or so, I've been thinking much. About our lives and vario us things. At the pool-party-turned-film-fest, when we were watching One Nig ht In Paris, I was thinking about what one of the songs (In Your Room ) meant.

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here?
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

When I first heard this song, about a year ago, I was heading face-first into my destruction - although I didn't know it yet. This is when my love for her had built up to the point where I could no longer hide it away. I was trapped by my own feelings. Trapped by her, even though she didn't know it.

I'm hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here?

When you think your life is controlled by someone else, you get so involved in it, you self-destruct. That was me. I thought my life was only for her. Stupid, irrational, I now think, but then it made total sense.

So what does the song mean to me? Love and careless abandon of being involved with it. It takes you prisoner, but it only keeps you if you allow it to. Your life is in their hands, but they only do as you ask - but you are made to believe they are in control.