NOTE: As of July 23, 2001, this page is not really under construction but we'll pretend that it is - -
(A.K.A. - I don't have the slightest idea what the hell I'm doing and/or
I'm making excuses for my page being a total suck-job) In fact, you could almost
say my page is "over construction". That would be stupid and
nonsensical, but you could still say it... Come 01/01/2000 the world will
be enjoying the lovely Judgement Day (not to be confused with the Sylvester
Stallone movie "Judge Dread"... [shudder]) and will be too preoccupied to notice
if my web page is [insert favorite preposition here] construction or not.
Update: The world is still here after 01/01/2000.
Oh, well. You can't have everything...
Hey you guys!! Don't make fun of me...
This page was formerly called the Tickity-Tom Page O' Stupidity.
Due to the increasing commonness of the
"(noun) O' (noun)" web page
format, I felt I had to completely remodel my entire page.
It is now called the
TICKITY-TOM PAGE OF STUPIDITY
Above is a picture of me doing a jig with an Alien Santa. I look much cooler in real life. Seriously.
This is my first attempt at creating a web page so it is pretty sad affair.
I am a fifth year Software Engineering student (nay, graduate) at
RIT. (Rochester Institute of Technology)
Sure, RIT is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Oh, wait. I do. Damn.
I would honestly have to say that I am the coolest person here.
If you were to ask others, they would probably disagree.
Please don't ask others. Thank you.
Welcome to my page. Over
billion served since Jan. 15 1997
I think the web counter is broken. It never records the thousands of hits this site receives every day. It usually only records one hit every two or three months. You just can't count on technology these days, I guess.
Actually, I don't know how it got as many hits as it has. Probably
because I keep going to my own home page over and over to build it up. If
you stop and think about it, it's kind of sad and pathetic. I try not
to think about it. Neither should you. Please?
Although this web page was originally developed to provide
a little levity into the monotonous day-to-day lifestyles we all live, I also
enjoy things relating to the technical fields. (dork!) Ok truthfully, I gave
my web page out to recruiters when I was looking for jobs so I would direct
them to my technical page so they wouldn't think I was a complete jackass. So
if you're one of the people looking to hire me, please pay no attention to
the rest of this site. It is not mine. Someone else wrote it. Someone really
stupid. I have no affiliation with them. Honest.
A few years ago, I came in contact with an
unidentified being. I did the logical thing. I captured him, domesticated him, and dressed
him in a little Santa outfit. He is known only as
This is me playing basketball.
No, not really. It is my uncle, though. Man, can he play!
In my spare time ( the 14 hours of the day that I am not sleeping ) I
sometimes get the urge to write some poetry. [ For fun, I don't
pronounce the word 'poetry' with three syllables. Instead I pronounce
it like 'poultry' but without the 'l' sound. Try it! Ask your friends
to try it!! ]
Here is a poem about what love really is - some weird, wild shizit.
Here is a poem about, what else, a Troll Boy.
Here is a poem from my serious phase. It is perhaps my favorite poem,
filled with hidden meanings on a deeper level. It is plain to see that
underneath the thinly-veiled surface of the poem, lies much inner angst
and personal turmoil.
This is actually a serious poem. I think I'll go kill myself now... Useless
Throughout my years in this world, I have gained much insight and
wisdom. I wish to pass this on to others in the form of essays.
Of College -- How to be the BMOC - the Bowel Movement On
Campus (AKA: the Shit)
Of Love -- How to tell if you're in love - and what the hell to do
Have A Good Day
Ok, this isn't really an essay - it is a short story that I wrote when
I tried to be Mr. Creative Writer. Although Stephen King has personally praised
me for the story several times, I don't expect anyone else to. UPDATE: Note
that this actually an attempt at a serious dramatic, suspenseful writing. It
is not supposed to be funny at all . I mention this only because my
friend recently read this out of boredom and kept waiting for the humour to
kick in, and ... it never did. (I'm sorry, Kinger!). So just know going in:
this is not funny. I apologize.
One-Eaters are the Devil!
See this delicious burger here? Can you imagine
eating this burger in its entirety without eating anything else in
between? Yes, as hard as it is to believe, some people concentrate on only one
food-item at a time and eat solely that. View my explanation of this
phenomenon and see why One-Eating is not The Way. One-Eaters
Check out my page on this extremely fascinating topic. This is the definitive guide to finger and pen drumming
on the Internet. Learn about the secretive and amazing Finger/Pen Combination
style. Be sure to check back often for updates in the fascinating field of
finger and pen drumming.
Would you like to see a picture of my
ASS? I think you would.
Who is this crazy character? What is he all about?
Come look-see a little bit about my favorite music and hobbies
on, dude, just pretend you're interested.
To learn about my family click
If you don't want to learn about my family, then something's wrong with you.
Maybe you should see a shrink. You think your family is better than
mine, don't you? Come on, admit it. You bastard.
Through my vast experience of worldly traveling, I've come across some fine
dining establishments that are unique and special, and I'm the only one who has
ever eaten at them. (That's what I tell myself, 'cause it makes me feel like I
am somebody.) Direct your peepers to this list of my favorite
Hey, kids! It's the
Pittsburgh Steelers Home Page!
Yes, home of the best football team around. ... Until they sucked and
lost all their good players... Ok, so it's home of a pretty good football
team. Ok, so they suck! So they have had 3 consecutive losing seasons. Big
deal. Haven't you ever lost? Huh? Haven't you? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Jeez, cut the guys some slack. So they lost a few games. They suck. Big
deal, get over it! I mean, they blow, so what? Freakin losin bastards!
I feel the Top 10 list has been way overdone. I wanted something fresh
and original. Thus I present to you...
The Top 9 Best Things About RIT:
The name is only three initials. There's no way you could possibly
The warm weather. You can wear shorts all year round! ( Without
The lack of sleep ( 4.2 hours per night )
lets you easily look like the rest of the RIT freaks.
All the fun stuff you can do. Like watch TV. And sleep.
Jolt Cola - the official beverage of RIT. ( Note: Jolt Cola is just
flavored water, but caffeine freaks can't seem to tell the difference)
The myriads of women. Everywhere. Just thousands of 'em. In fact,
I have a date in a half an hour. Uh-oh, looks like she could use a
little more air.
The food! Yesterday's meatloaf is today's chocolate cake.
The bricks. You gotta love bricks. Bricks. So many bricks. Get them out of my head. Make them stop! The bricks. They're everywhere!
Although, some of my best friends are bricks. Maybe they're not so bad
You learn to make web pages almost as cool as mine. ( Did you
catch the slightest whiff of sarcasm? )
Things that actually don't suck on the web.
Oh, on this whole big ol' thing that we call The Web, there are a few things
that are actually funny. My website is not one of them. However, I have
collected a few things that I find quite hilarious, for your perusal. Look at
some non-sucking things.
What would a home page be without a picture of a half-naked David
NOTE: I am looking for a David Hasselhoff inflatable
doll complete with synthetic chest hair. If anyone has any information
on this, please contact me.
Update 09/07/2002. I am proud to have been given the honorable title of "David Hasselhoff webmaster", as this
email that was sent to me states.
If you wanna know what class I'm sleeping through right now, take a
gander at la schedule de class. (and
by "right now" I mean "five years ago".)
This is a research paper discussing the various types of research sites
available on the internet. My site is listed as an example of a Personal
Website that "[has] access power to creating bogus sites and confusing
the surfer". My favorite quote: "This site just didn't make a good
impression on me and would receive a very low rating."
Sweet! However, of particular interest here is how special attention is
paid to the Alien Santa portion of the site. Alien Santa is quickly
dismissed and the author remarks that not enough information is
available. Well... this is highly confidential subject matter;
it's not like the entire profile of Alien Santa's personal habits are
going to be freely enumerated (Likes: Xorb2 units, charred Yerxkon
flesh, quiet moonlit walks along the beach; Pet Peeves: Alien Easter
Bunny, people who do those annoying air quotations with their fingers).
Oh, naive, little author. One day, you shall be enlightened by the
powerful Alien Santa, and the enigma will be no more. I await the day.
Update: 08/28/02. Okay, looks like Ms. Lendt took the paper off-line,
even off of the google cache. It's a shame when such excellent
journalism is not given the chance to reach the masses. I salute you,
Ms. Lendt, wherever you are.
Here's some links to the home pages of my "friends". Note the quotes
around the word "friends".
This is my sweetie. She is a crazy BioTech psycho who pretends to be
Italian. She constantly makes fun of my accent. I hate this woman! Not
really. Wait... Yeah, I do. No. Err... okay. No. Without this woman, I
have nothing. Well, actually, I really don't have anything anyway... So
that's really just a bad statement. Forget I said that. She is the
sunshine in my life. Well, okay, but the sun only shines for about ten
hours a day, so that kinda sucks, too. Screw it. Let's just say... This
girl kicks ass. She is the world's best kisser!!! (next to me, of
course... And my dog. Because once, me and my dog got drunk and we
...uhh... we played Scrabble... or something...) Update: 08/17/02. Tanya is now my
fiance (enunciated "fee-yawn-SAY" for optimum smugness). I went on
bended knee and after first saying "Seriously?!" she said "yes." We
shall now grow old together and spend the rest of our lives together in
wedded bliss. At least until we're 30 or so, at which point we will get
a divorce as is American custom. Probably over a huge falling-out
involving infidelity and an emu or something. (Here's our lame-o wedding page)
This is a cool kid. He enjoys phallic objects and uni-sacks. Together
we have formed a band appropriately named glib .
Dave is the lead (and only) guitarist. I play the drums. Well, I hit
things with little sticks anyway. Some of our soon-to-be hits include
"Loser on the Inside" and "Frosty Bitch". We have poetry wars on who
can write the shittiest piece of poetry. (I think he's in the lead,
too.) If I didn't hate this man, he would be my best friend. Check out
his web page and see how he is absurdly obsessed with my girlfriend.
This man is not crazy though. He is not insane. He is completely
normal. If I were to say otherwise, this psychopath would stalk me and
my entire family...
Pat Haney This is my roommate. He's a bastard, but he does
have a damned cool web page. Feel free to send him letter bombs. Daily.
Update: Pat is no longer my roommate. I was
kicked out, neigh, forced out of the room in a bitter
territorial dispute. Now we hate each other. If I ever see this MF in a
deserted alley I'm gonna pull out my nine and bust a cap in his ass.
No, I'm kidding. I still love that ugly, dirty, no-good sonofabitch.
Check out what extremely cool thing is going on in my ex-room right now, via my ex-roommate's
I must apologize for the so-called "magic webcam." It is neither magic
nor a webcam. Okay, so it is a webcam. We had this bad boy going in our
room so you can view me doing my Zigga Zig dance. It is no longer
running in our room, but you can see some of my past glorious moments.
To compensate for you having to view this, I will provide you with a
series of uplifting affirmations: **You are special.
**You are a good person.
**You are a kind individual.
**You are pathetic if you are reading these.
**You are even more pathetic if you actually started to feel good about
yourself for a second there.
Franklin "Fickity" Wingate
Is the homepage of this Ewokian friend comedic or just a reason to stay
"What some may have forgotten was that Spidey was a scientist too.
I admired that, it's why he was my childhood hero."
This was my roommate once. If I were a homosexual, this man would be
one of my best gay friends.
Jason "the chomper"
Shomper My main man, Nascar II champion of the world.
(update: I haven't seen this man in four years. Why is he still on
here? Donno. If you're out there Shomper, this is my tribute to you. If
you're not out there, let me know so I can remove this link to your
Jim Mutdosch My brother. I am obligated by law to
have a link to his page. Check it out. (update: I can't find his page
anymore. Here's a link to his his
place of employ instead.) Yeah I'm a terrible brother, I know. But
you don't see me pegging you with b.b. gun pellets in your ass,
do you Jim? Huh? Do you, great brother o' mine?
Late Breaking News!!
Aug 2000: I flew out for a weekend of sin and debauchery to Las Vegas.
Here's some of my keen blackjack tips.
Jun 2000: I plunked down the cashito to get me one of them newfangled digital
camera gizmos. By all means, check out my stunning photography
Mar-Aug 2000: I most recently lived it up in Sacramento CA for six
months where I interned at Intel.
Here I had a hand in my first publicly-available software product. Granted, it
wasn't Intel's finest hour... But, their misfortunes led to my fame and glory.
< Warning: link that no one cares about > Check out the Dos version of the
MTH ID tool here.
I implore you, please don't refer to California as "Cali". You're
obviously not cool enough to pull that one off. No one is. And while we're at
it, when referring to an email address, please don't say "addy". That is way
too hip and trendy and it's not even cool. Sure, for the "Cali" substitution,
you're dropping two (or three-if you're cool like me and add an extra 'eee'
before the last a when you say it) syllables so I'll give you some points for that. But addy
gives you nothing. Nothing, you hear me? Nothing!
May-Nov 1999: Last summer I "kicked it live" down in D.C. Check
me and my roommates. Could we be more cool? Aside: I think it
would be better if the past tense of the verb kick was kack as in I
"kack it live." Join me in proliferating this new, much-needed past tense
Mar 1997: Yes, it has been confirmed. I am now officially
the sixth and final member of the Spice Girls.
Feb 1997: I have also recently adopted the Pillsbury Doughboy as my legal guardian.
Jan 1997: I have been legally certified to wed the youngest member of
the hit pop trio, Hanson, Zac Hanson, sometime in December
How you doin?
215-D Perkins Rd
Rochester, NY 14623
E-mail: Tom Mutdosch
Please send mail. I'll pay you. Even hate mail. Chain letters.
For the love of God man, are you that cruel? You can't take a good hour
or two out of your "precious time" to write me a small biography of you
and your family? How do you sleep at night??
Look see just how a smarty intellecstul guy i am!! : Resume
Or see where I work as a software engineering co-op: Reliable Software Technologies
located in beautiful Sterling, VA, minutes away from Washington, DC and
home of our good pal, Bill Jeff Clinton. (okay, this is actually where I
worked over five years ago, but I never updated this section. In fact,
it would make more sense to update that information, than to leave it
there, erroneously, and write this small diatribe. Yes, that would make
more sense, wouldn't it.)